"My story isn't sweet and harmonious, like invented stories. It tastes of folly and bewilderment, of madness and dream, like the life of all people who no longer want to lie to themselves."
- Hermann Hesse
It's not just about what happened... But also... Why did it
repeatedly happen??? From one bad relationship to the next… Well, finally the
universe has shed the understanding I have been searching for...
Long ago... In a galaxy far, far away... It was ingrained in
me that what I wanted never mattered as much as what everyone else wanted...
That well, I just didn't deserve the things and the life I wanted...I finally know now it wasn't true...
Taught that other’s needs, wants and the chaos they create
to get it were more important... Taught this from early on by evil and
reinforced by evil and bad relationships throughout my life... From one bad
relationship to another… Taught to falsely believe that if I gave and met
others needs mine would be met as well... Evil people feed on that... Makes you
think and believe that initially… Then it overwhelms you with chaos to maintain
the control it fears it will lose if you finally get what you want... Evil never
was intending to really lend support to my wants and needs… It was only constantly
feeding the lie that they were…
It leads to a stolen life... I’ll never get back the hours
spent working jobs that I hated chasing paychecks long since spent to trying to
appease, please and in the end trying to buy myself peace from the controlling chaos…
Controlling chaos that I mistakenly repeatedly opened the front door of my life
to… Finally understanding this is part of finally being free of it... Of never
repeating it again…
Yes, youth… And its years of earning power and money has
been lost… Pissed away on ungrateful evil… Ungrateful evil only interested in
what can be done for them today… Chaos interested only in control… Narcissistic
in its need for it…
Now finally understanding this… There’s no more need to talk
about what’s been lost… It’s time to only focus on what’s been gained…
Certainly there’s been a life time of experiences… In the end, though not all
the experiences have been positive… There’s been more good ones than bad ones… Certainly
some I’ve had experiences only a few people get to have… Certainly, some hard
lessons were learned along the way… But we’re not talking about the cost of
those lessons any longer…
Looking back… What’s been gained??? Yes, a lifetime of
experiences and adventure… Yes, certainly some dreams fulfilled… I have seen
just about all corners of this world and this country… I fulfilled a dream to
tour as a road comic and have lived adventures only a few people get to have…
I have had the love of many a fine dog and we’ve shared
adventures some dogs only dream about… I have friends near and far across this
land… New friends and old friends…
What have I gained??? One word… FREEDOM… A price tag can
never be put on that…
