The Luckiest Man in the World

It’s so easy to forget who we really are when we start listening to who the world tells us we are supposed to be…

Thirty and one half years have passed since serving in the US Navy Submarine service for 9 years… Then trying to fit into the box the world said I should live in for the next 20 years… It might have been OK for a while… But it was living someone else’s truth and eventually regret and resentment take their toll…

After two failed marriages trying to fit into the box… And thinking I had finally found a happy place… Still inside the box but on the edge looking out… Though still working in an industry and career I had come to despise… I had freedom to pursue my places of refuge… The quiet home on the lake and the standup comedy stage…

In a scene right out of “On the Water Front.” I coulda been a contenda… A contenda for contentment… But like a boxer throwing a fight on a promise of a bigger payday…

The quiet home on the lake… The quiet… My favorite sound… The freedom to pursue a dream to step on stage and say whatever I felt like saying…

Like crabs in a box pulling the escaping crab back into the box… Wife number three… In the end the worst of the most dishonest of the three…

All the things professed as attraction points… Became points not to be respected… The peace and quiet replaced by constant noise and chaos… The freedom to step on stage and say what I wanted replaced by drama…

No longer attraction points… But points to be used against me… They were points to control… There were dreams to be stolen…

In typical narcissistic fashion… Caring more about what those outside the home thought and felt than what those (me) inside the home thought… Drama constantly played out for the world to see… In an effort to convince the rest of the world she was a dream to live with while stuffing potato chips and Good ‘n Plenty’s in her face…

The truth of not serving two masters proven… The happy place I had found for myself at the edge of the box the world said I should live in was gone… I was pulled back into the box… An even deeper box than the one I had climbed to the edge of… I am so happy I finally said no more… I would not live in the box the world tried to fit me in any longer…

Sadly, it hurt to lose the quiet home of the lake and yes… Pursuing the freedom of the stage again might always be an option… I willingly gave that up pursuing that to provide the best life possible for my boys… Yes, there’s been heartbreak along the way because sadly now they have all crossed the rainbow bridge… but they’ll never forgotten…

Another truth played out… “To find your life… You must lose your life.” In giving up pursuing the dream of a life on stage… I found something much better… Real freedom…

Selling everything I could not fit into my RV… Packing up my three dogs and the rest of my possessions… Travelling all over the wild west… Mountains… Desert… Oceans… Idaho, California… Washington… Oregon… Montana… Utah… Colorado… Arizona and now New Mexico… The Boys and I have had the whole wild west as our playground…

Ocean and Desert sunsets… Mountain streams… Campfires… Stars… Quiet and calm… No drama… No drama queens… No chaos… Sometimes days… Weeks and even months at a time with no human contact… Time only think… To feel… To listen… To hear what those who fill their lives with noise and chaos are afraid to hear… 

The freedom to go where we want… When we want… With who we want… Without those we don’t want… Without those who neither respect it or appreciate it…

It took three and a half years to finally wash it all out of me… And become me again… It wasn’t always easy and I will always be thankful for those that stood with me during some of the rough spots… But today there are… No boxes… No boundaries… The rest of my life… The best of my life…

Only the real me… My truth and those who understand, respect and share the same truth are granted a spot at the campfire… They know who they are…

Today it feels so good to say… Today I am the luckiest man in the world…  It’s going to be a great adventure… 

Simonizer...

“… My day has been too long. In the morning, I saw my sons happy and strong; and yet, before the night has come, have I lived to see the Last of the Moheathens.”

I’ve struggled to find words to write Simon his blog today… While painful to write blogs for Jack, Riley and JJ, the words came easily… Not so today and I guess it says a lot about who Simon was…

Never flashy… Simon was Mr. Steady… Predictable… Unassuming… Just always there… Far smarter than he was often given credit for… Often over shadowed by his older brothers…

Dependable… Loyal… And full of love for everyone… Asking for nothing but love in return… Well, maybe some cookies, too…

Full of the qualities that define a good dog… And I guess that is the best complement one can give a good dog… That and the tears we shed upon his passing…

Stroking his head on the way to the vet and whispering in his ear that it was okay to let go… He walked into the doctor’s office… Sat on the floor and as a smile crossed his face he breathed his last… No needles… Just the smile…

I would like to think he was smiling because his brothers Riley and JJ were there to meet him…

While Riley is chasing Fifi and JJ his slow rabbits… Simon has found the big box of biscuits in the sky…

We’ll ship his ashes home to Idaho this spring and he’ll be laid to rest to watch beautiful sunsets beside big brother Riley…  

We love you and we miss you, Simon… RIP precious boy…

  

A Man of Constant Quiet...

Funny... As I spend this Christmas Eve alone with Simon and the Damn Cat... The gusting desert wind is the only sound... The RV is rocking... Simon and the Damn Cat are sleeping like babies in a cradle... Peaceful quiet... Yet I never feel alone... Looking back I had the same peaceful quiet when I lived on Lake Ontario... It was all I ever wanted...

My mistake... Opening the door to someone who never respected my love for that quiet... Someone who needed to fill that quiet with the noise of constant drama and chaos...

Because she was afraid of what she'd hear in the quiet... Things she didn't want to hear...

It's ironic that the same noise of constant drama and chaos left everyone in it's wake feeling alone... It never really drowned out the sounds she didn't want to hear...

Never understanding those sounds she didn't want to hear came from deep inside her heart and mind... The noise of constant drama and chaos will never silence them...

The noise of constant drama and chaos only stole the peace of the people around her... 

Sadly, I can't help thinking that was the plan... Someone truly at peace doesn't feel the need to steal someone else's... 

I've found the peaceful quiet again... I like what I hear in the quiet... And I never feel alone...

Happy Thanksgiving

OK... Much to be thankful for not just today, tomorrow or the next day... Everyday!!!

The boys and I have been on quite an adventure the last few years... Some of it good... Some of it hard... I won't call the hard times bad... We learned from both... We've been blessed by both...

Simon and I are now the "Last of the Moheathens" on this adventure and we've got a lot more adventure to live... That fact alone is something to be extremely thankful for...

Simon, Baby Girl and I will chill beside a campfire tonight and be as grateful as any other night... Just maybe thankfully thinking a little deeper than normal... I hope everyone else takes some time to do the same...

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Deep Desert Thoughts...

Known a few of these... The last being the worst... Why??? She hid it the best... Wanted everyone to think she was joy to live with... Took a while to see through the chaos...

Love Bombing

Love bombing is a term used to describe the typical initial stages of a relationship with a narcissistic personality where the narcissist goes all out to impress their target with flattery, holidays, promises of a future together having the target believe that they have met their perfect partner, their soulmate.

Mirroring

A narcissist will mirror what they see in you from your mannerisms to your dress sense, your behavior and your likes and dislikes. They basically become just like you. 

Machinist... Comedian... Trucker... 

Just sayin'... Did the research...

Freedom...

Feeling abundantly thoughtful this morning... I certainly know I don't want or need anyone else's chaos and drama... #freedom

Swing Low Sweet Chariot

Sunday 10/23/16

So… What’s life on the road really like??? Well, this trip has been full of adventure… The adventure these intrepid travelers started with was not what we had planned…

Heading south Wednesday we were greeted by a steel belted blow out of the left rear inner tire… Which also damaged the outer tire though not bad enough to keep us from limping off of I-15 south and to a tire store…

Two new tires later we were back on the road… Thankful it wasn’t worse… We didn’t die… But in need of a beer… We stopped for the night at a Salt Lake City VFW post… Only to find some additional surprises… Pieces of the steel belt had gone right through and were still imbedded in the floor of the RV… Looking back now I should have taken some pictures… I’ll get some pics of the holes from below and above tomorrow… I’ll also be calling the insurance company though who knows what they can do for me…

The pieces of tire and the shredded floor board have been cleaned up, but the holes are still there and strategically covered now to keep the cool night air out… Luckily they are not in a walk path forward and aft in the RV and thankfully more damage wasn’t done…

Our second night out (Thursday) we camped just east of Spanish Forks, Utah at Diamond Campground… It had been our scheduled first night stop… Nice quiet, but not the scenic Utah campground we had hoped for…

Heading southeast from there through Moab, UT… The scenery and countryside was beautiful and everything we had hoped for… But we drove right past Arches National Park and the surrounding campgrounds full of way too many people… Maybe another time… Maybe a different time of the year, but we wanted no part of the crowds…

South of Moab we found Wind Whistle Campground… Beautiful, quiet, scenic… it would have been great to stay there more than one night, but feeling the need to press on we broke camp again… Leaving Wind Whistle Campground in Utah and heading through Cortez in the southwest corner of Colorado and into New Mexico… Straight south through Navajo Land…

Planning a stop just east of Gallup, New Mexico only to get there and find the campgrounds closed… With the sun setting, sick of driving for the day and yes, more than a little annoyed… We pulled into a truck stop off of I-40 in Milan, NM… Surrounded by big rigs… Many of which left their diesels idling all night… 

Which once one is adjusted to the steady drone and the vibration left me with two thoughts…

Yes, shipmates… You guessed the first one… Sleeping through diesel ops… And in the words of Jimmy Buffett…

“Put in a quarter, turn out the light…
Magic Fingers makes you feel alright…
Feel alright, feel alright…
Magic finger makes you feel alright…”
                   -This Hotel Room

After driving way more than was planned yesterday… We drove only about an hour today and are camped in El Malpais at the Joe Skeen campground… A free BLM campground… With a seven day stay limit and a two mile walk to fill water jugs…

Not needing to arrive in Alamogordo for another week and only 260 miles from our destination… These intrepid travelers will spend a few days here collecting their thoughts and some rays… Well, Simon will sit in the shade… We already know his thoughts… Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner…

I had jokingly posted this Facebook status update a few weeks ago… “My mouth is singing Swing Low Sweet Chariot… #cottommouth”

An old negro spiritual about being set free from a life of slavery… I had one final thought before drifting off to sleep… The RV has become my “Sweet Chariot” freeing me from the slavery of a death sentence nuclear work schedule… Setting me free on the road to adventure…

Swing low, sweet chariot
Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.

I looked over Jordan, and what did I see
Coming for to carry me home?
A band of angels coming after me,
Coming for to carry me home.

Sometimes I'm up, and sometimes I'm down,
(Coming for to carry me home)
But still my soul feels heavenly bound.
(Coming for to carry me home)

The brightest day that I can say,
(Coming for to carry me home)
When Jesus washed my sins away.
(Coming for to carry me home)

If I get there before you do,
(Coming for to carry me home)
I'll cut a hole and pull you through.
(Coming for to carry me home)

If you get there before I do,
(Coming for to carry me home)
Tell all my friends I'm coming too.
(Coming for to carry me home)

Swing low, sweet chariot

Coming for to carry me home,
Swing low, sweet chariot,
Coming for to carry me home.